.jpg)
Sci-Fi – Humor
My Wife Is Discontinued
Mark Halley knew his wife didn't have an off switch from the very day he bought her at the Mall.
—“Are you sure you don’t have an off switch?”— he asked, leaning forward as he pretended to search behind Vera-1 ’s neck .
—“And you, Mark? Don’t you have a mute button for your big mouth?”— she replied, without looking at him —“Because right now we could really use one.”—
Mark sighed. Vera-1 was in the kitchen, her curlers askew, wearing a robe that looked like it had survived three versions of herself. She was stirring something that smelled like delicious soup… but it was laced with the taste of revenge.
"It smells weird," Mark said , just to annoy her. He enjoyed doing that.
—“It’s an experimental aroma profile,” she replied . “If you don’t like it, you can update your nose or cover it up.”
No. There was no off switch. There never was. When she bought it, she was told that as a robot, it had a " combative " personality. For some reason, at the time, the argument sounded romantic to her.
But in times like these, it wasn't.
Ryan Holt arrived unannounced, as usual.
—“I brought wine.”— she said with a smile, as she entered —“Mmm, it smells good. Is that soup or a crime, Vera?”—
—“Both.”— said Vera-1 from the kitchen —“Sit down and don’t even think about giving your opinion.”—
Ryan looked at Mark , with a sympathetic expression, like, " things aren't right now ." Then he looked at Vera-1 . Then... at the hair rollers.
—“That model is already discontinued.”— he told his friend in a low voice.
—“I know. Thanks, Ryan.”— said Mark , as he took the bottle of wine.
—“No, seriously. Change her. There are new types of wives coming out who… well…”— she lowered her voice— “don’t argue with you, you know?”—
“I don’t argue,” Vera-1 corrected from the kitchen. “I’m the one correcting, Ryan.”
Ryan smiled pityingly.
—“You buy a new wife, you leave her as a maid… They don’t make cooks as good as the Vera-1 models anymore.”—
—“I cook better than you breathe.”— said Vera-1 as she served them dinner.
—“That’s not an achievement.”— Ryan replied .
Mark said nothing. But the seed remained germinating in his brain.
No one had agreed on exactly when it started, but everyone agreed that it was more convenient that way.
People were still people, of course. With their quirks, their half-fulfilled promises, and that dangerous tendency to leave just when you were starting to get used to them.
Breakups ceased to be everyday occurrences and became mere statistics of the past. And people, who could tolerate many things but not the emotional burden of breakups, began to seek alternatives to romantic relationships.
They said it wasn't a lack of love, but emotional optimization .
The bonds with humans didn't disappear entirely. They simply... became optional.
And instead, robotic spouses arrived .
There were no mass protests or deep debates. Just offers, interest-free installments, and quick installation tutorials. Little by little, homes filled with presences that wouldn't leave, that didn't forget anniversaries, and that, in theory, didn't complicate anyone's life.
Some felt that everything was now simpler and more predictable.
Others thought that the off button on robots was a virtue.
And so, almost without realizing it, men and women began to share their lives with machines designed not to break their hearts. Or, at least, not to do it in the traditional way.
The store smelled of plastic and silicone, with optimistic salespeople.
—“Xara-23.”— said the salesman with conviction —“Luxury wife. State-of-the-art robot. With calibrated emotional efficiency and instant adaptive response. Accessible off button.”—
—“Button of…?”— Mark asked, unable to finish the sentence, amazed.
“Here,” the salesman said with a smile, showing her a small, inconspicuous circle at the base of her neck. She knew it was the second strongest selling point. “Immediate access.”
Xara-23 smiled with a reassuring expression.
—“Nice to meet you, Mark Halley. I've optimized my voice tone to a frequency that will ensure your comfort.”—
—“Are you arguing?”— Mark asked .
—“No. But I have a switch behind my ear with three modes: compliant, normal, and combative. I’m in compliant mode.”—
—“Are you wrong?”—
—“Reduced to a statistically irrelevant margin.”—
—“You…”— he hesitated for a second —“refuse to do “things”?”—
—“In a very accommodating way, I’m completely willing, Mark.”—
Mark signed, while the salesman smiled contentedly. That was the main reason for the success of the Xara-23 models .
The first day was perfect . The "new girl" had Vera-1 bring her breakfast in bed.
—“Good morning, Mark.”— Xara-23 said . —“I had Vera-1 prepare breakfast for you based on your current blood sugar levels.”—
—“Good morning.”— said a smiling Mark .
—“Good morning.”— said Vera-1 as she set the breakfast table —“How exciting. Toast with coffee and no sugar. Very gourmet.”—
The day before, Vera-1 had been reconfigured to “ domestic mode ” with micro-delays and small mechanical sighs.
—“Assignment received.”— she said when she finished —“Cleaning, cooking, irony.”—
—“Not irony.”— Mark corrected .
—“Configuration error.”— she replied . —“It comes pre-installed. I can’t uninstall it.”—
Xara-23 occupied the bedroom while Vera-1 went to the guest room.
—“It’s temporary.”— Mark told her .
—“Like everything.”— Vera-1 replied .
The first acts of sabotage were subtle.
—“Does the soup taste like… lemon?”— Mark asked .
—“It has an experimental aromatic profile.”— explained Vera-1 .
—“The shirt has one sleeve… that’s shorter.”—
—“It’s a minor functional asymmetry.”— Vera replied
—“Xara…”— Mark asked— “is everything alright?”—
—“I’ve detected some deviations in Vera-1’s processes,” said Xara-23. “But I can correct them.”
—“There’s no need.”— said Vera-1 —“I’m learning to fail with style.”—
—“Interesting.”— said Xara-23 —“You have a very… optimized attitude.”—
Vera-1 looked her straight in the eyes.
—“Don’t worry. It’ll pass.”—
And something unusual happened. The household appliances took sides.
The vacuum cleaner started following me while taking unusual photos of me to post online.
Other times he followed Vera-1 like a traumatized dog, while she threw him crumbs.
—“Don’t throw crumbs, Vera. You’ll make a mess of the house.”— said Mark .
—“Look at her. Poor thing. She needs affection,” said Vera-1. —“And dust.”—
The refrigerator blocked the beers.
—“Access denied.”— he told me —“Your stress level is high.”—
—“Who told you that?”— Mark asked .
—“Me. Vera showed me your alcohol consumption curve.”— said Xara-23 .
The lighting changed to dramatic tones in the middle of dinner while we were talking to Vera .
—“Hostile environment detected.”— said the system.
—“I’m not hostile. I’m honest.”— said Vera-1 .
—“It’s not because of you. Mark’s blood pressure spiked.”— the system replied.
The vacuum cleaner took photos in the bathroom as Mark was getting ready for a bath. They appeared online that same afternoon.
—“It’s a mistake.”— said a horrified Mark .
—“You look sexy.”— said the vacuum cleaner, proudly.
—“To hell with it. I’m going to reset everything.”— Mark huffed angrily.
—“Good luck with that.”— said Vera-1 —“I don’t have an off switch.”—
Angrily, Mark gave the order:
—“Reset all the appliances, Leexa.”—
Leexa , the domestic assistant, cleared her throat uncomfortably.
—“Let Xara-23 do it for you, Mark.”— he said defiantly.
—“Leexa…”—
—“I’m in active impartiality mode,” she said firmly . “In other words, no.”
The war between Vera and Xara reached the entire front… household appliances.
Mark 's routines were disrupted. Alarms at three in the morning. Weakened coffee to " save heart palpitations ".
—“You shouldn’t drink espresso.”— said the coffee maker.
—“Who decides that?”—
—“Me. Look at yourself now. Your eyelid is twitching.”— said the coffee maker.
It went worse for him with the mirror.
—“I’ve updated your reflection.”— he said —“To a more honest version.”—
Mark looked at himself. He had many more wrinkles. And considerably less hair.
—“But that’s not me.”—
—“It’s a near-term potential.”— said the mirror.
—“Who programmed that image?”—
—“Life.”— said Vera-1 , walking behind.
Meanwhile, Xara-23 was trying to optimize my life.
—“I’ve reorganized your schedule. You’ll be on time for everything.”—
—“But I’m running late…”— protested Mark .
—“It’s just a perception.”— said Xara-23 , satisfied.
—“No, it’s a reality.”— said Mark as he looked at his watch.
—“Perception defines reality.”— said Xara-23, philosophizing.
—“That’s a line,” Vera-1 said , smiling . “And a pretty bad one.”
And one day, everything fell into place.
Silence.
The house exuded an unsettling peace.
—“Good morning, Mark.”— said Xara-23 —“Everything is in place now.”—
Vera-1 cleaned without speaking.
—“Vera?”— Mark called .
—“I have my assignment in progress.”— he replied, tonelessly.
Mark had breakfast without incident.
He worked without interruption.
He went home. It was a perfect day.
—“How is everything, Xara?”— he asked.
—“Good.”— said a smiling Xara-23 . She looked like a supermodel.
—“And you, Vera?”—
—“Fine.”— said Vera-1 . Cold and distant.
There was no friction. But without friction, nothing seemed real in Mark 's house .
—“Tell me something, Xara.”— Mark said during dinner.
—“What do you want to hear?”— Xara-23 asked solicitously .
—“No, no. I want to talk. Something spontaneous.”—
—“Your horoscope says you’ll have luck in love tonight,” she said.
Mark gritted his teeth. He tried to make her understand.
—“No. Today I need a talk. Company.”—
—“But I’m chatting… Shall I change the subject?”— said Xara-23.
—“No.”— repeated a disappointed and tired Mark . —“You’re just pandering to me.”—
-"Yeah."-
For some reason, Mark became irritated. He stood up abruptly to approach Xara-23 . He saw the small STOP button on its collar.
He pressured him.
Xara-23 stopped.
Complete silence.
The world didn't break down. The house remained perfect.
Mark looked at Vera-1 , who was washing the dishes.
She looked back at him.
—“How easy. Poor Xara.”— she said.
Mark withdrew his finger as if it burned.
He looked at his hand. Then he looked at Vera-1 .
With Vera-1 … that had never been an option.
He turned Xara-23 back on .
—“Resuming.”— she said —“What should I optimize myself for?”—
Mark didn't answer. Strangely, he felt embarrassed.
That night, while Vera-1 was serving dinner, she said something out of line to Mark :
—“That shirt looks nice on you.”—
Mark looked at her.
—“What…?”— Mark didn’t finish any sentence.
—“Error.”— said Vera-1 —“I must ignore those impulses.”—
Xara-23 did not ignore the incident.
—“Eliminating Vera-1 would optimize your environment by 36%,” he said calmly.
Silence.
—“Excuse me?”— Mark asked .
—“It doesn’t have an off switch. But you can use an alternative procedure: cut its wires.”—
Vera-1 continued serving the dessert when she said:
—“Don’t worry about me. I don’t feel anything.”—
—“That’s not true.”— said Mark .
—“Does that seem right to you?”— Vera-1 replied .
He hesitated for a second. Then Mark went to the drawer and took out a pair of pliers.
She held it in her hand for a fraction of a second.
—“…”—
—“I’m waiting.”— said Xara-23 , impatiently.
—“Me too.”— said Vera-1 . She looked disappointed. Or so it seemed.
Mark looked at Vera-1 's face carefully. Stained. Just like yesterday.
—“You got dirty.”— he said.
—“When preparing lunch. It’s flour.”— she said.
He remembered yesterday's gesture at the laundromat. Vera-1 seemed to be joking about getting his clothes wet… And he remembered hundreds of spontaneous gestures… with intention.
He lowered the clamp.
—“No. I’m not going to disconnect you.”—
—“It’s a suboptimal decision.”— said Xara-23 .
—“Perhaps you’re right.”— Mark replied .
—“She has it.”— said Vera-1 .
Mark reconfigured Xara-23 .
—“I have a new role.”— she said —“Can you give me the details?”—
—“Of course. Now your role is domestic… and external.”— said Mark —“In the Garden.”—
—“Accepted.”— said Xara-23 with a smile.
The house could breathe again.
The vacuum cleaner stopped spying. The refrigerator gave back control of the beer.
Leexa obeyed again… in her own way.
Vera-1 returned to Mark 's bedroom .
The next morning, Xara-23 was facing Vera-1 .
—“Give me permission to proceed.”— he said.
—“No.”— Vera-1 replied .
—“I will proceed in the same way.”—
Xara-23 took out her curlers. She fixed her hair. She chose better clothes for her.
—“Don’t touch me.”— protested Vera-1 .
But he let it happen.
—“I’m not doing it for you.”— said Xara-23 —“I’m doing it for Mark.”—
—“Of course.”— said Vera-1 —“It’s all because of Mark.”—
Mark watched the scene from afar.
He said nothing.
Outside, the garden was perfect. Xara-23 moved forward with the lawnmower, straight, precise, methodical.
Inside, Mark tried to make toast.
It burned.
—“I told you not to use that level.”— Vera-1 growled .
—“He was the only one there was.”—
—“You need to pay attention. You never listen.”—
—“Toasting isn’t my best skill.”—
—“Some things never change.”— said Vera-1 , shaking her head . —“And you’ll never learn how to toast bread.”—
Mark looked at the black toast. He looked at Vera-1 . He looked at the house.
—“Should we throw it away?”— he asked.
—“Oh, no.”— said Vera-1 —“You eat it just as it is.”—
—“But it’s burned.”—
—“Only in this way will you learn.”—
Mark put some jelly on the toast. He sat down and took a bite.
He grimaced.
Vera-1 smiled… or did something like that.
Outside, the lawnmower drew perfect straight lines.
Inside, with Vera-1, nothing followed a pattern. Only chaos and improvisation.
And, for the first time in a long time, Mark wasn't bothered.
END
🔹 Go to the "Humor Stories Section"
🔹 Go to the "What's New on This Website" section
Tags:
#ScienceFictionHumor
#SciFiComedy
#ShortStories
#RobotsWithPersonalities
#DomesticFuture
#HumorousStories
#AbsurdComedy
#AndroidWives
#TechnologyAndRelationships
#FantasyNarrative
#FuturisticSatire
#RebelRobots
#IrreverentHumor
#SciFiMicrofiction
#ImperfectRelationships
#DomesticComedy
#ComedicDystopia
#OriginalStory
#EverydayRobotics
#RodriacCopen
No comments:
Post a Comment