History: "Hasta la Vista, nana"

 

Hasta la Vista, nana!

Rudy Beltrán was an unemployed programmer with more debt than technical skills. He had a grandmother who was known throughout the neighborhood as Doña Nilda. At 78 years old, she was a widow actively looking for a boyfriend, specialized in working with neighborhood gossip and had been practicing karate since the 1960s, when she had learned by correspondence.

Due to these strange circumstances, Nilda asked Rudy for help in getting a robotic assistant, because she needed help with shopping. It seemed like the most normal thing in the world, given that her grandson was in charge of helping her with the applications on her cell phone.

Naturally, if Rudy knew how to fix his cell phone, he was probably an expert in robotics.

Unfortunately, Rudy Beltran was so broke that his wallet was a cashless ecosystem, inhabited only by an overdue pizza receipt. Because his financial situation was so critical, his creditors said he was in a Schrödinger state: he officially existed, but no one could find him.

Out of work and without money, the grandson decided to look for a recycled robot on 'Robotrastos SA' (Warranty Not Included) , very popular on television with a catchy jingle that said "Because every android deserves a second chance... more or less" 🎵 🎶 🎼 .

Rudy entered the dark, cluttered tech junk shop, where a sign hung that read, "What's the Worst That Can Happen?" . Behind the counter, a plump, friendly saleswoman saw him enter and smiled as she straightened a   tight, dusty lab coat with the top two buttons missing. 

The saleswoman, who was fixing her hair to look better, said in her best voice - "Welcome, young entrepreneur of the future! My name is Silvana. How can I help you today?" 

Rudy gulped as he tried to ignore the missing buttons on the lab coat, which gave away the girl's unmatched virtues. He replied, stuttering , "I need a robotic assistant for my grandmother. Something cheap, functional, and that won't explode if I ask it to heat up food." 

Silvana, as the saleswoman was called, smiled widely - "I have just what you need!" - She pointed at a huge robot, with dents and one eye blinking spasmodically. - "This model is an XZ-9000, it used to be a combat robot, but now it's a peaceful domestic assistant." -  Visibly attracted to Rudy, while she curled her hair, she offered suggestively - "If you want, I can give you a demonstration of its abilities" -

Rudy, who was beginning to show more interest in the girl than in the robot's abilities, asked, "Combat? I don't want my grandmother to wake up with a rocket launcher in the kitchen." 

The girl giggled and rested her hand on Rudy's chest, cheering at the joke - "Don't worry! We've rebooted him, almost 100%. We've erased his old operating system and installed the new version of RoboLinux 21.0." - 

Rudy asked him, "And are you fully functional... I mean the robot is functional?"   The boy's face had turned completely red.

Silvana replied helpfully , "Definitely. He does... things." She pouted. 

Rudy wanted to know - "What kind of things?" - 

The saleswoman tried to be more nonspecific - "Useful... things. Maybe." 

Rudy wanted to be tough - "That 'Maybe'... doesn't inspire confidence." - 

The girl coughed nervously. "You know... Look at the bright side. This robot is lovingly recycled and, best of all, it's autonomous!" 

Rudy wanted to know - "What do you mean, self-employed? Aren't they all self-employed?"

Silvana, the saleswoman, hesitated a bit - "Eh... well, technically he still retains some 'own initiative'. But only small details, like deciding what is a threat and what is not." - 

Rudy worried about the answer - "What if he decides my grandmother is a threat?" 

The saleswoman waved her hand, denying the possibility - "Nah, XZ-9000s love grannies. Well... except for that incident in 2032... but that model was different." - An awkward silence followed. 

Rudy became interested again - "Does it have a warranty?" 

The girl got excited - "Of course! 24 hours or until you walk through the door, whichever comes first. If you want, you can call me for the first technical service. I'll be happy to go" - she said, squinting her eyes. 

Rudy didn't seem very sure - "I don't know, I should think about it more..." - he tried to act tough. 

The saleswoman winked at him and whispered, "I'll tell you a secret: if the robot gives you trouble, just turn it off and on again. It works 60% of the time!" 

Rudy wanted to know - "What about the other 40%?" 

Silvana brushed the matter off, downplaying it - "Well... Let's not talk about it." -  She got a little closer to Rudy and said seductively - "If you want, I'll help you  set it up when you turn it on and I'll show you how easy it is to operate." -

Rudy sighed in resignation. As far as he knew, 'Robotrastos SA' (Warranty Not Included) was the one that sold robots at the best prices. He sighed as he asked , "How much does it cost?"   

The girl winked at him enthusiastically - "For you, special price: $199.99, or three payments of $75 with criminal interest." - 

Rudy shook his head, resigned - "Ok. I'll take the damn robot..." - 

The saleswoman clapped her hands in celebration of the decision - "I knew you were a smart man!" - she shook his hand while checking out on her tablet. - "Sign here, here, here, and here... oh, and also on this document where you say you won't sue me if something goes wrong." 

Rudy suddenly stopped - "Wait, what?" - 

The saleswoman didn't let him hesitate - "Congratulations! Enjoy your XZ-9000 with RoboLinux! Now get out before it reboots and remembers its military training!" 

Rudy cautiously took his new robot as he asked , "This is going to end very badly, isn't it?" 

The girl gestured with her hands , "It depends on how fast you run if something goes wrong." 

Rudy started to leave -"Damn..."-

The saleswoman reminded her - "Find me in the afternoon to help you turn it on!" 

Rudy and Silvana, the saleswoman, spent the rest of the afternoon starting up the XZ-9000 and charging its battery. It had been delivered to them without a charge.

A couple of days later, on a quiet afternoon in the neighborhood, the first incident occurred.

A dog was chasing a mailman, a neighbour was arguing with a pigeon that had taken over his TV antenna and, on the corner, a group of retirees were planning their next clandestine bingo game. 

Rudy walked behind his grandmother, Doña Nilda, who advanced with a firm step, bag in hand and the look of an expert bargain hunter in the supermarket. At her side, the XZ-9000 moved stiffly, emitting a disturbing hum every time it moved its metal limbs. 

—"I don't know, grandma..."— Rudy muttered unsurely, looking at the robot with distrust —"Maybe we should test it with simple tasks before taking it out into the real world."- 

—"Bah! I need him to carry my bags, not solve equations for me!"— the old woman growled grumpily . —"Besides, if he's as bad as you say, at least I'll be able to use him as a coat rack."— 

Just then, a suspicious-looking guy approached them stealthily. He was wearing a hooded sweatshirt, sunglasses, and had an attitude that screamed "I'm robbing old ladies because I don't know how to do anything else . " 

"Ma'am, give me your wallet and nobody gets hurt here," said the thief, showing a tiny knife, more appropriate for cutting labels than for threatening people. 

Doña Nilda snorted, offended. "Look at the nerve! In my time, at least thieves had manners!" 

Before I could lecture him on the decadence of modern crime, the XZ-9000 suddenly came to life. Its LED eyes flashed red and a robotic voice coldly announced: 

—"THREAT DETECTED. INITIATING TACTICAL DEFENSIVE MODE."- 

The robot struck a combat stance, raising its metal arms with military precision. 

—"Huh?"— the thief stammered in disbelief, taking a step back. 

—"Wow, this got good!" Doña Nilda exclaimed enthusiastically, taking out a bag of candy as if she were at the movies. 

The XZ-9000 moved with the speed of a ninja on steroids. Within two seconds, it executed an absurd combination of judo holds, spinning kicks and wrestling maneuvers that defied the laws of physics. 

The thief flew through the air, spinning three times like a human croquette, and landed headfirst on a lamppost. Before he could react, the robot pinned him down with his own sweatshirt and, in a final artistic touch, pulled his underwear up over his head. The final wedgie was a masterpiece. 

—"Risk neutralized!" the XZ-9000 announced, imperturbable. It displayed the satisfaction of a toaster that had just browned bread to perfection. 

Rudy put his hands to his face —"Oh, by all the bugs in the universe, we are going to have a bad time with this!" 

Doña Nilda, on the other hand, approached the hanging thief and tapped him on the leg. 

—"Life is too big for you, kid! If you can't steal well, you better find an honest job!" 

—"H-help me, ma'am!" the thief pleaded, swinging like a Christmas ornament. 

But Grandma wasn't listening. Her eyes were shining with excitement. She turned to the robot with a smile from ear to ear. 

—"Rudy, I've made a decision." 

—"Oh my God, no..."— his grandson moaned. 

—"I'm going to train with the robot."- 

—"Grandma, you can't do that!" 

—"Of course I can!" said Doña Nilda, adjusting her headscarf. "This robot is a weapon and I have 78 years of experience in giving good slaps. Together we will be unstoppable!" 

—"Can't we just... I don't know, call the police?" 

—"Bah, they always arrive late. On the other hand, I'm already here."-

After the paperwork with the police, when she got home, Grandma ordered the robot to train her in defense. The XZ-9000 blinked. 

—"TRAINING MODE ACTIVATED. STARTING MILITARY TACTICS PROGRAM."- 

—"Yes, I like it that way!"— applauded the grandmother. 

Rudy felt a chill. "This is going to end in flames, isn't it, Grandma?" 

Nilda patted him on the back. "Come on, boy, there's a lot of work to do. The neighborhood isn't going to clean itself up!" 

The XZ-9000 nodded mechanically. 

—"ESTABLISHED OBJECTIVE: ELIMINATION OF CRIME IN THE PERIMETER. PROCESS IN PROGRESS."- 

Rudy gulped. "...We're definitely going to end up on the news." 

This is how “Operation Nana ” was born , where Doña Nilda trained under the strict supervision of the android, who took her orders too literally. When she said , “We have to give the scoundrels what they deserve,” the robot interpreted it as “eliminating threats with urban guerrilla techniques .” Soon, the neighborhood nights were filled with thieves fleeing in terror when the shadow of an old lady in slippers and her robot with the look of a Terminator appeared.  

Rudy, worried that the robot was teaching his grandmother tactical maneuvers for a special squad, tried to intervene. But it was too late: the press began calling his nanny "The Neighborhood Justice ," and a group of retirees began to imitate her, armed with reinforced batons and modified frying pans. 

The pensioners in the neighbourhood defended themselves aggressively from the attackers. So much so that the subject became of interest to the media. One journalist recounted an incident saying - "With reflexes worthy of a retired ninja, he turned the frying pan into a racket and the thief into a badly bounced ball."

A week after that incident, Rudy walked into his nanny's apartment with a look of surprise and panic on his face. Nilda's apartment had become a controlled mess. On the dining room table were pieces of disassembled robots, a box of blank ammunition (or so Rudy hoped), and a mysterious package that gave off a faint smell of gasoline. 

By this time, Rudy was reluctant to visit his grandmother. Not that he didn't want to, but since he was training with the XZ-9000, any visit could end in an explosion, a chase, or, as happened last week, a petty thief caught in a makeshift bamboo trap. 

—"Nana..."— Rudy began to say, looking around suspiciously—"Why is there a flamethrower on the table?"— 

Doña Nilda, unfazed, continued cleaning the weapon as if it were a set of porcelain cups. 

"The robot brought it," he replied matter-of-factly . "He says it's standard for night operations." 

Rudy felt his soul leave his body for a moment. “Night operations?” he repeated, rubbing his temples . “WHAT night operations?” 

The XZ-9000, which was in the corner, with its usual monotone and eerie tone, responded: 

—"PROTOCOL 47B ACTIVATED: TOTAL THREAT SUPPRESSION. CURRENT LEVEL 'FUCK EVERYTHING!'"- 

Rudy opened his mouth, then closed it. Then he opened it again, but no sound came out. 

—"What in the name of all the rusty circuits are you going to use a flamethrower for?" 

—"And what do I know?"— said the nanny, shrugging her shoulders. —"In my time, things came with a manual."— 

Rudy approached the gun cautiously, as if at any moment it would ignite on its own and turn the room into an impromptu barbecue. 

—"Have you used it yet?"— she asked fearfully. 

—"Of course not!" Nilda replied, indignant . "First we have to try it in the yard, I don't want to make a hole in the roof again." 

—"Again?"— Rudy whispered, feeling his blood pressure skyrocket. 

At that moment, the neighbor below hit the ceiling with a broom. 

—"CRAZY OLD WOMAN, IF ASHES FALL IN MY DINNER AGAIN, I'LL REPORT YOU!" 

—"AND YOU COOK VERY BADLY, SO I'M DOING YOU A FAVOR!" Doña Nilda shouted back. 

Rudy grabbed his head. “Nana… let’s take this back.” 

—"No way! The robot says it could be useful for 'hostile negotiations' " — 

—"What kind of negotiations are you having lately?" 

Doña Nilda shrugged and pointed to a board with photos of shady moneylenders, local thieves and a traffic inspector who once gave her an unfair ticket. 

—"Let's see who else dares to collect debts from me with a cheap lighter." 

Rudy collapsed onto the couch, defeated. “I’m going to end up visiting you in jail, aren’t I?” 

—"Nah, they can lock me up if they want. With a robot like that, in three days I'll be the leader of the prison." 

The XZ-9000 raised a metallic thumb. “INITIATING PRISON BREAK SIMULATION.” 

—"NO!"— Rudy shouted, before collapsing again — "I need a vacation..."-

Meanwhile, Doña Nilda lit the flamethrower with a smile. 

—"But first, let's go to the yard! Justice never rests!" 

After several incidents where the Robot XZ-9000 + Grandma duo kicked some thieves' asses, the SWAT team broke into the rebellious nanny's house. But Nanny and the robot had prepared homemade traps worthy of 'Home Alone ' in the Rambo version:

·        An angry army of demented chihuahuas bit their ankles

·        Most of the officers slipped because the floor was full of marbles. The grandmother shouted in celebration - "It's a classic tactic, boys!" 

·        A drone with a loudspeaker repeated the grandmother's phrases in an infinite loop, demoralizing the agents. 

The final showdown occurred in the apartment's kitchen, where Nana, armed with a wooden spoon she called " the rod of discipline ," and the XZ-9000 faced the SWAT leaders. But just as the robot was about to neutralize them with a flying kick, a message appeared on its system: -"UPDATE TO ROBOLINUX 22.0 IN PROGRESS. DO NOT TURN OFF YOUR DEVICE"-

The XZ-9000 froze in attack position, blinking intermittently. Nana and Rudy were captured. 

During the trial, Nana's lawyer argued that the government should be ' grateful ' to her for reducing crime in the neighborhood. The judge, an elderly man moved by the story, declared that Nana would serve her sentence in a nursing home... under the custody of XZ-9000, which was reprogrammed as a " Senior Citizen Activities Assistant ." 

Rudy visited the nursing home accompanied by his new girlfriend Silvana, the star saleswoman of 'Robotrastos SA' (Warranty Not Included) . There he discovered that his grandmother had organized an " elite squadron " of elderly people in wheelchairs, with wheels prepared for high speed. The XZ-9000, now wearing a flowered apron, was teaching them self-defense. 

At night Rudy and Silvana were watching TV while eating pizza. The broadcast was cut off and a breaking news report appeared: -"A band of old people escaped from the nursing home in a stolen armored truck. They are suspected of heading to Las Vegas."

Rudy put his hands on his head saying , "This can't end well." 

END