Satire: "Buridan"

 

 

Buridan

In a lab filled with flickering screens, tangled cables and suspicious smoke rising from a faulty coffee maker, young apprentice Tino watched with wary eyes his mentor, the MA-X 9000 robot, a shiny metal hulk with more knowledge than patience.

MA-X was notoriously famous for the harshness of his training. That particular model was not known for the gentleness of his teachings. Ironic, moody and extremely cynical, MA-X models were the most chosen by families as tutors for their young children.

After a moment of anguish, Tino decided to ask him. “Master MA-X, I’m paralyzed,” the young apprentice moaned, holding a job contract in each hand. “I have two incredible offers! One at the Space Agency, where I’ll be able to explore Mars, and another at the Literary Academy, where I’ll be able to write the novel of the century. What do I do?”

MA-X 9000, its LED eyes flashing in shades of resignation, turned its mechanical head and projected a hologram of a donkey. Not just any donkey, but a donkey with a face of utter bewilderment, positioned equidistant between a pile of golden hay and a bucket of crystal-clear water.

—“Look, Tino, at the dilemma of this noble quadruped,” said the robot in a metallic and bombastic voice . “It is the legendary “Buridan's Donkey,” trapped in absolute indecision. If he chooses hay, he will die of thirst. If he chooses water, he will die of hunger. And in his obsession with making the perfect decision...” — he paused.

The next hologram image showed the donkey collapsing dramatically to the ground.

—“He dies tragically of starvation and thirst!” the robot exclaimed, as sad violin sound effects played.

Tino blinked. “Are you telling me that if I don’t choose, I’m going to die like an indecisive donkey?”

—“Not exactly, my little genius-in-waiting,” MA-X 9000 sighed resignedly , “but time does not stop waiting for you to do so. While you are debating between two equally good options, the opportunity vanishes. Do you really think the universe is going to pause until you deign to decide?”

Tino scratched his head in disbelief —“But what if I’m wrong?”—

—“Does that even matter? You will always have time to rectify your decision.” — MA-X 9000 extended a metal arm and tapped him on the forehead with his index finger. —“Son of uncertainty, error in life is not a problem. The problem of   all thinking beings is inaction. If you choose Mars and get bored of the craters, you can always write about them. If you choose writing and get tired of ink, you can still apply to the Space Agency. Life is not a train that only passes once, it is more like a subway station with many stops. You can take all the stops you want. But if you stay still on the platform, without making a decision, at some point you will be run over by routine!” —

Tino looked at the contracts, then at the robot, then at the holographic donkey. He took a deep breath and signed one of the papers.

—“I have chosen!”— he announced proudly.

—“Excellent. Which one did you sign?”— asked MA-X 9000.

Tino stared at the document in bewilderment as he paled. “Uh… I think… I got the wrong contract?”

MA-X 9000 shrugged his metallic shoulders in a resigned gesture. He hadn't been assigned a particularly brilliant student, but he had to do his job anyway. —“Welcome to real life, Tino! You'll always have room to improvise.” —

Tino sighed and looked at the robot. “You know what? Sometimes I think you were programmed just to annoy me.”

—“Incorrect. I was also programmed to make coffee,” said MA-X 9000, as the faulty coffee maker spewed out a jet of steam and a suspicious black liquid. –“You know, one of the most pathetic human problems is believing that the universe revolves around your belly buttons,” said MA-X 9000 philosophically.

Tino sniffed the aroma of the brew and frowned. “Is this coffee or tar?”

—“Let’s say it’s an extreme sensory experience,” the robot replied.

Tino drank the coffee. And finally he understood that perfection is a mirage and indecision is the real failure. He decided to take action and adjust the course on the fly. By all the sacred circuits, don't become a paralyzed donkey!

END